I feel like I’m falling, falling, falling…

I hate this time of the year, with all of this Valentine’s Day stuff. It really presses on someone how alone they are. And I feel so alone. Not just romantically…but in any way.

I have no real life friends, not really. No one to go out with, hang out with, mess around with. I suppose I have Melanie, and maybe Phil and a couple others from my training class, but we barely know each other and I hate making the first moves. With Melanie, it’s the same. She just seems to have so many friends that I doubt would like me. I was never able to get close to Carlotta or Kendall.

I can’t talk to my mother, I can’t hang out with my WoW friends (they live too far away), all my emotions and my worries and my problems are all building up and tearing me apart.

I am panicking about this job as a GTA….It’s been two weeks and I still haven’t gotten a call to come work on a project. I’m freaking out. I know no one, except Johnny Africa, from my class has gotten a call. But I still worry. I guess I was top in my class and I still haven’t gotten a call. What if being late to the TRC interview and the play test the day after screwed my chances? What if my fail skills at bus riding fucked me out of a job? What if I ruined this amazing thing for myself?

Will I go to New York? Will I move there? Will I live with Mis? Will I be stuck here with my mother getting around just by bus pass? Playing WoW and not going out and feeling totally and completely alone and depressed?

What is the point of my life? Why haven’t I figured that out yet?

I want to act. I love being on stage more than anything. I thought I had talent, but what if I don’t? What if I’m like those people on American Idol who think they are amazing because all their friends and family lied to them but I actually suck? Is that my fate, to do theatre? Is it my fate to stay with Sony and get promoted and work in this industry?

I am so confused, and so lost. Spiraling downwards….

Recent events have forced me to look at the way I treat WoW. I don’t know if it’s because I’m stupid or immature or dramatic… but I consider all the friends I make in the game to be actual friends. I don’t think of them as just pixels being moved by someone miles and miles away. They get the same respect and treatment as the friends I have in real life, the ones I can see and touch. I am fiercely loyal to them, and I love them deeply.

Is this wrong? Is there something wrong with me?

So many people that I play with are the opposite…. The “friends” they have in the game aren’t real to them. They have no affect on their real life, their personal life. They’re just part of the gaming experience. They don’t care if they hurt you or betray you, if it gets them further in the game or if it gets them what they want.

I hate this about myself a lot of the time. I have been hurt many times by people who consider the people they play with inanimate objects. People I have considered friends turning their backs on me and breaking my trust. It is so hard for me to swallow. I already have a lot of problems with trust, stemming from I don’t even know what.

Then you throw crushes and love into the game and it’s a whole other ball game.

I was crushing on someone (please note that crush means slight interest, not totally in love. Please also note that it is possible and common to have slight interest in more than one person at a time), someone I shouldn’t have, and was then betrayed by this person, and it makes the event all the more painful. You mix in actual romantic feelings, and it muddies everything up, no matter what. It makes the game unenjoyable.

I guess that happens whenever someone you really trusted and cared for turns on you and you know you are still going to see them around a lot. I dread it. I dread walking past someone I used to talk to all the time, knowing what they did and that they don’t care. I don’t want to log on from the dread. But at the same time I actually do want to pass them on the street in a city. I want to see if they’ll really ignore me, if it’s really happening, if maybe by seeing me they’ll regret it all and beg for forgiveness.

I wish people weren’t like that. I wish they were respectful and intelligent. I wish they were smart enough to see who their real friends are.

I am so terribly hurt by Perf. I care for the boy… He broke my trust once, and I let him back in, and he only turns around and does it again. I have been struggling lately with believing in him. He had been acting weird, so quiet and so close off. I knew something was wrong. It felt fishy. It felt like he was a spy. I still don’t know if that was really the case. I’m paranoid a lot of the time for no reason, because it’s just how I am. I wonder sometimes why people put up with me.

I hope they put up with me because of my positive qualities.

I am torn between wanting to play with my “friends” and avoiding the game because of the pain it’s causing.

God, I must be retarded.

I haven’t written in here in ages! I must fix this, especially since I am starting a new adventure: a job.

You know, World of Warcraft is a game. It’s supposed to be fun, and usually, it is. But sometimes… man, sometimes, playing with thousands of other people is so damn stressful!

I stopped playing in August of 2009, for about 4 months. I decided to start playing again in November of 09, but just casually. But, oh how do things change. A friend I had known for a while has always pestered me about being in his guild, and since Renegade was nothing, I joined Aft(e with a funny mark above it that I am too lazy to look up and insert here)rmath. They needed a shaman healer pretty desperately.

Now, I do not brag. I hate bragging. But I will say, I think I am one of the best shaman healers on our server. I know my class well, I have good healing instincts, I always do well. I was glad to join them and help them.

For a month, things were amazing. We didn’t have a website, so I made one. When our GM found out, he promoted me to Officer. I was happy. But Christmas holidays came and things started going screwy. Because we’re a casual guild, we don’t go all ape shit when people can’t make raids due to real life crap. So, because of the holidays, hardly anyone could make the raids that week and they were all cancelled. I was disappointed, and I guess our co-GM took that as attitude/complaining and from there it was all down hill. Everything I said was misunderstood or misinterpreted, I was always giving attitude. The other officers started acting weird. I was unhappy, I felt left out. Our co-GM was helping to pay for my account because I’m poor as fuck. So one day I go to my account online to change my password (because of the way I was being treated, I didn’t trust him with my info) and found that he had already cancelled my account a week before, without saying a word to me. This sparked all sort of shit and I promptly removed all my alts and was kicked by Defend.

After more drama, and fighting, and lots and lots and lots of talking, I made amends with all the officers, except Perfection, the co-GM. He’s a typical man, too proud and too cowardly to swallow his pride and apologize first. So I took the plunge and did it, and we were all friends. A few days later, I was asked to rejoin, and rejoin I did. I was happy again.

That was a week and a half ago. I still feel…left out sometimes, but mostly because I was never promoted back to officer. There were rumors of a new rank being added, Raid Leader, and that I was most likely going to be one. But we never talked more about it and I didn’t want to ask because I’m not an officer.

My time ran out today…. I haven’t been on in three days, because my lovely dog Ziggy decided my laptop cord was a chew toy, and shorted out the cord. My new one didn’t arrive until today, after my time was over.

I want to keep playing. I have a job now, so I can afford it. But I’m unsure if I should wait until my first paycheck or not. I miss my friends.

Mom hates that I play. She’s always complaining. I wish she understood that this game is where all my friends are, where all my socializing happens. It’s my entertainment; without them these past few days, I’ve been lonely and bored. I mean, I guess I understand why she hates that I play, considering I free loaded for a year, and played it all the damn time. And Tiffany is still mesmerized by it. But I do my jobs… I walk the dogs every day, I clean Nanamom’s house. I do my shit. Maybe not chores all the time, right when she nags me to. But I do do them eventually.

I want to work on that, doing my chores and stuff.

Sigh.

To WoW or not to WoW? That is the question.

I didn’t get very many things, but I am thankful for what I did get. A rice cooker from my aunts, along with like ten different types of rice and two sauces to go with them. They also gave me 50 dollars to replace my cell phone. I thought that was amazing! My grandmother gave me 25 dollars for my camera fund. My mom gave me a tin of hot chocolate, and she said I’m getting my other present some time after Christmas. It’s something for my camera. And then my father gave me a 50 dollar Visa card, which is going towards my camera. I almost have enough to get one!

As for the day’s events, we woke up ungodly early, watched the monster open presents. We were going to go to Ihop for breakfast, but that fell through. We went to Tasha’s at about 2pm. She decided we weren’t allowed to watch the Charger game, and I was furious. It’s the first game I’ve missed in three months. We didn’t even watch anything! We could have watched it. I found out later that the Bolts kicked the Titans’ asses, but I don’t care. I still wanted to watch. I mean, I know it wasn’t the most exciting game, but I’m not a fan of close games. Like the Bengals/Bolts game was extremely close, winning field goal in the last minute close, and I was freaking out! My heart was pounding, I felt nauseous.

While I was pouting (and YES I pouted! I was extremely upset!) my aunt Donna came over, hugged me, and told me I was her favorite niece. And there’s none of that you’re my only niece so you have to be my favorite stuff, cause she has two other nieces. Tiffany heard her say it, but I don’t know. That made me feel special. I know I’m closer to my aunts than my other siblings.

I am aching to be in New York City. Every inch of me. I belt my little heart out every day… I know I can sing. I know I can do this. I am meant to do this!

I cannot wait for school, to get back into my theatre groove.